lens | Vent
I just wish I could stop being viewed through the lens of my worst moments.
I feel permanently defined by those moments in people’s eyes.
I want the chance to exist without the weight again.
Acknowledgment of my feelings makes it feel more real or permanent, in which I’m finally being seen in my hurt, makes the darkness feel heavier.
I feel like a bad person all the time, and it feels like something is fundamentally flawed at my core.
It colors everything, how i see my past actions, how I interpret others' reactions, how I imagine my future possibilities.
I was asked that if overworking myself like I have been recently was because of something and my answer is that I feel like I need to prove myself in so many ways at all times or I will never be allowed to be around because I feel like I do not have an ounce of being as a person, I would be better off a robot.
It is exhausting about feeling like I constantly need to justify my value or worth through productivity and achievement.
I feel like I’m always on trial, never quite measuring up unless I’m pushing myself beyond other people’s arbitrary limits. there's no finish line- no point where I can finally feel like I’ve done enough.
The bar keeps moving, and the need to demonstrate my worth never ends.
Working becomes so consuming that it feels like a complete identity. the constant activity creates a distraction from pain, but it doesn't actually heal it.
I hope I die working.